The attraction between Empaths and Sociopaths/Narcisissts/Psychopaths

It’s a battle as old as time . . . dark versus light.  And one that I’ve heard some talk of on the web, but never really HEARD and UNDERSTOOD – until now.  I had another epiphany in my healing journey this morning (I tell you that if you haven’t bought Melanie Tonia Evans NARC program – it is SO WORTH THE MONEY!)  I did the 4th Quatum Freedom Healing yesterday evening on dealing with the injustice and the lack of  closure, and I felt better immediately after like always but this morning some more of the pieces finally fell into my lap.  I know many of us spend a lot of time on the “Why did this happen to me” question.  And at least for me, I think I’ve finally found that answer which had been eluding me for most of my life.  I am an Empath!

I always knew something was different about me in general.  My mother’s family was part “gypsy” so we always attributed our very limited psychic ability on that.  My Aunt and cousin can “read the clouds” and even I have had a weird cloud reading experience regarding September 11th.  Never had it before or after that.  I could almost always feel bad things were coming, and sometimes death . . . but I could never tell you who, just that it was coming.  I have a nearly perfect record of predicting the sex of babies my friends and family are carrying.  And some weird spiritual connection I never understood or could explain without sounding like a crazy person.  So I did what most people do with it . . . I ignored it for the most part.  It wasn’t until last night as I watched Grey’s Anatomy with the eleven year old that I truly understood that I was an empath – and so is my eleven year old!  I’ve known the eleven year old was on an unconscious level for a long time, but last night the full realization hit me as he cried over the episode with the bomb in the body cavity.  And I realized he was picking up the emotional energy of the characters (which he has always had ability to do off of real people and tv).  I found myself explaining to him what was happening and telling him he needed to learn to put up a wall against other people’s emotions to keep from being overwhelmed all the time.  And this morning while lying in bed, the rest of the story dawned on me as I recalled reading about Empaths attacting Dark Souls somewhere in my research into what happened to me . . .

That is why this happened!  Empaths are drawn naturally to these types of people and vice versa.  Now I have my own theory on why this is that doesn’t quite agree with the other writers.  Other people who have studied this think it is because we want to conquer the darkness.  I don’t think that is it at all.  We for the most part cannot see them coming.  For all our psychic intuition, it doesn’t seem to apply to the dark souls of S/N/P’s.  I think THAT is what attracts us to them!  Everyone else we meet, we are overwhelmed by their emotional states as we “feel” what they feel most of the time.  S/N/P’s have no real feelings.  We are attracted to them, because they are the only people that don’t barage us with their emotions constantly!  That is why our attraction to them is so deep.  Of course they assist us in this with the love bombing and manipulation.  But while I was lying in bed this morning I was thinking about what really attracted me to him, and I could remember how I LOVED being in his arms.  It always felt so safe and comforting (before I knew what was going on).  I think in a sense they were emotionally safe for us, as they had no real emotions for us to pick up on.  They were our “shelter” in the storm.  I think that is how they fool us so much.  In order for me to pick up ANYTHING from him I had to really focus hard with a lot of effort – and even then it was hit or miss as he didn’t have the normal brainwaves that other humans have.

On the other hand, I think it is our empath nature that they find so attractive.  We pick up everyone elses emotions as well as have our own.  For emotional vampires, we are a natural smorgasboard!  For them I suspect feeding off of us gives them the same amount of energy as 3-4 normal people.  Why wouldn’t they be attracted to us?  We have an overabundance of “supply” of what they lack.  EMOTIONS.

So for me, maybe this is my “gift”.  Learning what I am so that I can now learn how to manage it more effectively to no longer be a target for the dark souls on the planet.

What do you all think?  Am I off base or did I stumble onto one of our unknown truths?

83 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Julia
    Apr 27, 2012 @ 22:27:35

    WOW!!! You have stumbled on something I had never thought of…BINGO!!! I am a highly empathetic person and was hurt very badly by a spath. That’s it…I felt great with him because he wasn’t giving off any emotions. I also felt so good in his arms…like I had never felt with anyone else. This all makes so much sense now…thank you! I’m not sure how knowing this will help me get past the hurt, but it helps knowing WHY I felt the way I did/do.

    Reply

  2. MysteryCoach
    Jun 06, 2012 @ 17:00:46

    I think you have a very real grasp on this. I’ve often said “moths to a flame” as it pertains to me. It’s interesting that you used that particular phrase.

    Reply

  3. Nora
    Jun 22, 2012 @ 14:14:21

    Yes! Yes! Yes!

    Reply

  4. Kiddo
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 22:11:27

    Heroin addict, ex-felon, flame. I was the moth. One week ago I stumbled upon the empath concept. Things are suddenly making more sense than ever before.

    Reply

  5. Empath1
    Jul 02, 2012 @ 07:30:16

    OMG !!!! You just made so much sense to me…….LIGHT BULB moment. Thank you from one fellow empath to another.
    Just untying myself from some dark few months of a relationship with a sociopath!

    Reply

  6. Drearea
    Jul 12, 2012 @ 14:10:31

    Thank you so much for this… I have recently left a sociopath/narcissist. It was not an easy thing to do, as I had to flee in fear of my life being in great danger. I too, am an empath and highly intuitive sensitive person. I agree that there is the possibility that we feel nothing from them.. however, this leaves me to wonder, why I was never able to sleep next to him. Is it possible that he was mulling over all the things he was up to on the side? I remember being insanely restless next to him, and I could never rest. I do like your theory greatly! And I am going to keep thinking on this. I just wonder… why if they are so vacant of emotion, why was I unable to relax. That was probably my intuition trying to tell me something was very very wrong here. Best of luck to you, and I cant wait to explore your blog further! You are an inspiration! I don’t say these things lightly either.

    Reply

    • brokenbutterfly123
      Jul 13, 2012 @ 20:36:32

      Thank you Drearea! I too struggled at times with the S. In fact, the house we lived in seemed overrun with Spiritual energy while he was there – especially in our bedroom. And even the day he walked out . . . he fell down the stairs and said the ghosts gave him a parting gift. Now I wonder if they weren’t trying to warn me. The minute he left, so did all the weird vibrations in the house. Maybe it was otherworldly? In hindsight, maybe it was simply our intuition that we were suppressing trying to tell us something? But even my kids felt that presence in that house when he was there. He even remarked on it. Maybe he was gaslighting. Maybe he could feel that same struggle between the dark and the light that we were feeling.

      Reply

    • Sherry
      Apr 16, 2014 @ 11:59:47

      Drearea I think the reason you were restless next to him was because I think Empaths are more vulnerable when we are just drifting off to sleep. Things often hit us like a lightning bolt when we are very relaxed and going to sleep. Even though the person you are talking about has no Empathy lets face the facts evil people DO HAVE EVIL THOUGHTS which can give off negative energy! they are not trying to blind you with their charms when they think your sleeping! They are plotting or dreaming up the next move. We are at our most alert when we are trying to sleep which sounds silly but really think about it! And the next time you cant sleep next to someone, don’t walk away…RUN!

      Reply

  7. Sara
    Jul 16, 2012 @ 23:53:48

    You’ve pretty much nailed it on the head. I have just in the last year started to study these kinds of things trying to piece together my own life. And it makes complete sense on how safe we can feel wrapped in their arms, thank you for the insight!

    Reply

  8. Beverley
    Jul 20, 2012 @ 08:57:58

    Absolutely spot on! This makes perfect sense. For years now, I have tried to work out what attracted me to my Narcissistic ex, and now I have the answer! I now also understand why, even though he was an unpleasant man, I felt comfortable and safe around him. Thank you!

    Reply

  9. maskofmanycolors
    Jul 28, 2012 @ 06:24:42

    Reblogged this on Maskofmanycolors's Blog and commented:
    This is something that is so true! The worst part of it is, the realization that this person has no feelings of empathy, some can even verbally abuse you with no afterthought. Sociopaths are the “gas lighters” they flip that switch and bombard you to the point were you start questioning yourself. I am a magnet for these. And it is true, they are hard to “tune” into… It’s scary

    Reply

  10. Kenkenken
    Jul 29, 2012 @ 12:10:19

    Thank you! I am a hsp/empathic woman, who’s had significant relationships with psychopaths, and I think you are exactly RIGHT! It’s the lack of emotion that we love when near them! We don’t have to feel them 24/7. It’s like a vacation to a calm, quiet, island, where you can relax. I think it’s because they don’t experience normal fear, which is what we typically are barraged with by neurotypicals. FEAR..

    However, you can feel it when they are irritated or concentrating on a problem, and even how they really feel about you. We make excuses and choose to believe what they say, and not what we feel. This is true for me at least. I felt it all along.

    I will say also, I am very attracted to psychopathic men, and they get by my radar. But the woman make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I have wild adrenaline rushes, regardless of what they do.

    My theory is that highly empathetic people are driven to breed with psychopaths in order to water down their gene pool..

    Reply

  11. Purkyme
    Sep 02, 2012 @ 20:01:12

    OMG you my dear are absolutely right. Now that finally answered another one of my big questions. I always wondered why I had an overwelming sense of calm around these men. It was like total peace. And it would leave me baffeled. It is because there is nothing to pick up…lol I luv it. Thank you!!!!!!!

    Reply

  12. Pam
    Sep 12, 2012 @ 16:18:42

    I also had a light bulb moment reading this. As an empath, people often overwhelm me, and I need time alone to recharge. I’ve often wondered why it is that I find the company of psychopaths so pleasant and peaceful even though I know they are evil to the core.

    Reply

  13. Lisa
    Sep 23, 2012 @ 19:17:40

    Oh my goodness! I’ve been looking for the answer to this for several years and you put words to what I knew was going on but couldn’t explain! Wow…what a revelation. Thank you!

    Reply

  14. kel
    Nov 07, 2012 @ 21:22:05

    WOW WOW WOW…..this is it…..I am calm in their arms…I can sleep…even when I think of them I am peaceful…..SOMETIMES….only SOMETIMES do I get DEEP DEEP feelings of them…visions / dreams…..and they are bad….but mostly I calm them and when they touch me, I am CALM….when they are active…no…because they are such angry people…but the touching by them calms me…it is because they are void of emotions and I think they hurt…and they heal off of us too…and we heal from them because they are so void…they DEFINITELY feel better around us….BUT when they are in their sick mode…they drain us….

    Reply

  15. a b
    Nov 17, 2012 @ 10:45:22

    It is a paradox. I was deeply attracted to my exP when I ‘felt’ him from across the street as he stood among a dozen men. It was an incredible magnetic pull.. however, I felt fear as well.. from the beginning I felt a strange sense of fear and was guarded – probably my intuition. He worked very patiently to convince me that my emotions were not real, that I did too much thinking. When things began to get bad, he told me I was crazy and needed medication. I realized that he was living through me – I was just a vehicle, a connector to the world. He didn’t like me to express my emotions, I believe, because this way he could harvest them for himself. It sounds strange but that is just how it felt – that he wanted all my emotions for his consumption so my repression was imperative to his pleasure. I am drained, sad, feeling exploited. But somewhere inside, I have a place where not even him can get access. I must work on nurturing myself, on learning boundaries so that this never happens to me again. And sleeping with him was difficult – I couldn’t allow myself to rest deeply, I think, because I was afraid of his ‘Vampirism.’ He did try to kill my intuitive sense by lying, gaslighting, making me look like I was crazy.. this is what hurts the most: to awaken to this complete unreality that he tried to create inside me. It will take a long time to heal and I must remeber to be kind and gentle with myself.

    Reply

    • Sabine
      Nov 26, 2012 @ 01:04:52

      Oh my god, that sounds só familiar! Thank you for sharing!
      Psychopaths will never understand you, and will never take blame. So, they manipulate you into thinking you’re the one who’s crazy.
      The ‘always kick them when they’re down’ idea.
      I’ve always been intrigued by psychopath behaviour. What drives them. But I’ll never understand, just like psychopaths will never understand hsp. It’s a mutual thing.
      Take good care of yourself. He won’t do that for you. Ever.
      He’s making sure HE takes extremely good care of himself, by sucking all the energy out of you.
      That’s the one thing I have learned from my psychopath ex. To take good care of myself. If he feels (extremely) worthy of taking (extremely) good care of himself, why shouldn’t I do the same? (eh, not in the narcesstic way!).
      Don’t get sad. Get mad! You have every reason to get mad!
      I know from experience, how extremly hard it is, to leave a psychopath behind. But you must cut all the chords that connect you to him. He asphyxiates you. And once he finds a way to enter your soul, he’ll never stop hunting you.
      Take good care of yourself. You, unlike him, deserve it.

      Reply

    • Rachelpenina Whitmore-Bard
      Aug 31, 2013 @ 02:30:20

      “It was an incredible magnetic pull.. however, I felt fear as well.. from the beginning I felt a strange sense of fear and was guarded – probably my intuition. He worked very patiently to convince me that my emotions were not real, that I did too much thinking.” This describes my experience to a T. I remember when I met him, writing in my journal that I was so inexplicably drawn to this guy (thought it was spiritual connection/deep love) yet also felt very repelled and even afraid of getting close to him. Also, has anyone read M.E. Thomas’s book? She mentions that sociopaths maintain intense eye contact. I felt like I fell into a rabbit hole in his eyes…one that pulled me down and kept me down for a year and a half. It’s bizarre being in a relationship with a non-sociopath, and realizing time and time again that I can actually trust him and he doesn’t actually want to hurt or manipulate me. Can anyone relate?

      Reply

  16. Lauren
    Nov 18, 2012 @ 18:06:32

    I have been with an extremely narcissistic man for 2.5 years. We recently broke up because I wanted to take things to the next step. Move in together, get married, and possibly have a child. I already have one 8 year old from a previous marriage and he was married for only a couple years. I am ashamed to say that I stayed with this person when right from the beginning there were lies after lies. Cheating. Emotional neglect because he never let me speak my emotions and would disappear for hours or days at a time only to make it seem like I was needy or crazy. It is almost as if he is a small child when we talk about our relationship, because he literally gets overstimulated and cannot take it for more than a couple minutes. Mostly though because if we talk too long he will have to fess up or try to work around his lies. He KNOWS I make life impossible for him because I am the only person who has not let him get away with his crap. He says he was so in love with his ex wife and of course she was aloof. This was perfect because he could get away with everything and she would probably turn her head. Although he swears up and down that they had issues before they got engaged, but once they took it to the truly committed stage that all the attention from other girls was done for him. He claims he was the selfless one in the relationship and that it is the opposite for us. He does not just lie in relationships though. He exaggerates a lot of stories and has a hard time with rules and authority. He lost two great jobs this year only to get another wonderful high paying job a month later. We had been doing well with what I thought no lies for a few months. I thought we were on a different path but then all of a sudden he turns a corner again and is extremely unhappy and horrible to me. Always cranky. I have always said he seemed like Jekyll and Hyde so perhaps he is bi-polar. Then 3 weeks ago when we broke up my friend had brought up the word “sociopath” and I had never thought about that before. After reading up on Sociopaths I am almost convinced that my boyfriend (ex) embodies every trait word for word. Well almost. He loves animals and is extremely sensitive to them and even cries over them. Ha. Then while researching this subject I realize that I am an empath to the core! Everyone my whole life has always commented how much more sensitive I am than most of the world and how I can always feel for others. To the point where it is painful for me. To make a VERY long story short, I ignored my boyfriend for almost 3 weeks but he could not take it at all. Like could not even go about his day. Or so he says. I finally let him come over this past Wednesday to talk and hear him out or I felt like I would not forgive myself wondering if he had any kind of sincerity that I needed to see. It was almost like he was a different person. Let me mention also that I thought there was a possibility I was pregnant but I am not and I would not tell him until I saw him. I did not realize how much this affected him. He never really wanted to talk about any of that with me before, but when I told him that I was not it was like I crushed him. All of a sudden it seems like he wants to marry me, he would try to have a baby with me tomorrow if I wanted, and has become WAY more affectionate with me. Granted it has only been a few days, but he said when he thought I was gone and possibly pregnant made him realize his life had to be with me. He said he would go to therapy every week to work on why he feels he needs attention from other women (not usually physical, but just the need to see what he can get people mentally to do), he will see me whenever I want, he will talk when I need to talk, etc…
    My family and friends are mortified that I am thinking about giving this man another chance, but something sincerely seems different. I am a highly intelligent human being, but I know I have to be dumb if I could be thinking that he could change. Is it possible that I am wrong about him being a sociopath? I need advice before I possibly make a big mistake for me and my daughter. It feels right this time and my daughter has always loved him, but he is always grouchy and there is possibly someone out there who I would not have all this drama with. I will state that we have had amazing times too and share lots of interests. The only problem is that now he is not grouchy and he wants to see my kid so bad right now. He told me he wants to be more like me because I am such a beautiful person to others. He has even offered to open up his whole life to me. Meaning passwords to everything, look at his phone when I want, constant communication, etc, but who the heck wants to do that? I am so conflicted.

    Reply

    • brokenbutterfly123
      Nov 21, 2012 @ 04:07:55

      Lauren – I cannot urge you enough to leave this person. When pathological people come back to you all loving it is called “hoovering” as in the vacuum to suck you back in. That is exactly what he is doing. The “new” him will not last, as it is just as fake as the “old” him. The reality is – you do not know the REAL him and I guarantee you do not want to. My B/S could be a sweet as pie when he wanted something – it was all an act. I know how hard that is to wrap your head around in the beginning. Please visit some of my “helpful recovery links” – like Lovefraud.com or melanietoniaevans.com. I also recommend the book “Breaking Free from Betrayal Bonds” by Patrick Carnes for you as it is the trauma bond you have with him that keeps you hanging on in this relationship. I wish you the best of luck!

      Reply

    • Alex Chumko
      Aug 14, 2013 @ 14:23:11

      You are a really foolish person if you go back to this man. He is lying to you and as soon as you are together again he will resume what he was doing before. He will be planning now what he will be doing in the next phase of his lies and double life. I know. I was married to a sociopath with bi polar for 22 years. 10 of those years were back and forth on again off again as I finally came to terms with him never changing. These people are totally devoid of any emotions, empathy love and use everyone. I mean everyone. If he doesn’t have you he will simply find someone else to exploit.

      You need to move on and fast.

      Reply

  17. Karyn
    Nov 24, 2012 @ 16:15:01

    Yes, you are right. Thank you for this insight.

    Reply

  18. Sabine
    Nov 26, 2012 @ 00:51:27

    What an epiphany indeed! I recognize this fatal attraction. I’m a highly sensitive person ad I had a relationship with a true psychopath for 3 years. I think you’re right and that you’re not just rambling.
    Two strong personalities can clash, but I’ve always been immensely attracted to people without a soul.
    I think the Rolling Stones describe my ex, or any psychopath in general, and my attraction to him, perfectly with their song: ‘Sympathy for the devil’.
    And that’s basically what it comes down to.
    A psychopath indeed, has no true emotions. They seem to be hollow. Unreal. Like the devil in disguise.
    I once had a dream (I always have very vivid dreams), about him, when we were still together. He grabbed my wrist and he became a vampire, sucking all the blood out of me. When I woke up, I realized, that he truely is a vampire. Sucking all the energy out of me.
    I’m so glad I left him, about a year ago. Psychopaths will always hunt you down. Like a wolf will hunt it’s prey. It’s always something they want from you, never returning the favour. They want to learn from highly sensitive persons, so they can take over their emotions, so the psychopath can use these ‘skills’ in his or her everyday life. They absorb your emotions, so they can act like a normal person. Therefore, fool everyone. And hunt for more prey. Psychopaths are restless people, who’ll never stop hunting. It’s what keeps them alive. Seek and destroy. For the sake of their own pleasures.

    Reply

  19. davidlk
    Dec 06, 2012 @ 08:57:16

    Thank you so much for your post. I am a highly empathic man and I fell for a woman who is a sociopath. I loved that she seemed so “low-maintenance”, so “stable”–she had a good job, a good education, and always seemed happy. The sex was so good that I ignored many red flags. I had insomnia, would have violent nightmares, and felt very drained the whole time we were together and finally I listened to my body and got out after 3 months.

    Nevertheless, this was highly traumatic and now, a few weeks after the breakup am doing my best to nurture myself. Once I learned about what a sociopath is, which completely describes her (she is very high functioning), I have no impulse to go back to her.

    I thought about confronting her to see what her reaction would be, but realize I just need to let her go and move on and heal. What good would confronting do? She by definition will never learn. She is in her early 40s and has already learned to imitate “normal” people.

    There are many gifts for me here, and you have helped me realize that we strong empaths need to learn how to protect and nourish ourselves and balance the yin and the yang within ourselves. It’s sad to think that there is another kind empathic man that she will soon capture.

    If anyone has any thoughts about how to see this in perspective and how I can work on myself so this doesn’t happen again (although I doubt it will after this experience), please let me know.

    Thank you.

    Reply

  20. TJ
    Dec 10, 2012 @ 02:09:00

    Damn!! Damn!! Damn!!! I wish I read this years ago. It would have made me suffering so much less -but then again maybe I had to suffer in to learn and understand. Ive known Im for about 7 years already that I am an empath (after reading Claude Steiners book “Emotional Literacy) but I did not think much of the meaning of it since I assumed (wrongly) that it kinda only related to someone who is naturally empathic. It was only last week when I sat with a friend and talked about my tendency towards co-dependency that my friend suddenly said “So you’re an empath”. I was surprised at this and then subsequently started researching the term and suddenly the heavens opened. I am AMAZED (jaw-dropping experience) at HOW SIMILAR everyone’s experiences are. I was married to a path. And it left my scarred for life. But i made the mistake TWICE more in an intimate relationships. What astounded me is that THOUGH I can read people so easily in each of the instances with these 3 women, it was as if my radar was jammed… I could not sense them and though after the first time I terrified of it happening to me again, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. My wife’s strategy to hook me was to play the “poor me” UNTIL I was hooped, then she changed. The second one used the Unloved/Lonely Women who lived for God as the hook. The third one first used Charm and then the Abused Women as the hook. In all 3 instances I felt like it was a Dance of Souls, like a moth being drawn to a flame – me being the moth with the end-result always the same. Crach and burn. In each instance I realised each was “Emotionally Unavailable” and even bought a book with the same title on the subject but never read it. (In hindsight I should have..) In each instance it also FELT to me that my energy was slowly being drained out of me. I can be and have been described as, (without being vain or arrogant) charismatic. (I believe this is what attracted them to me) BUT once I sensed their lack of emotion/empathy (because they we masters at pseudo-empathy), i was drawn to them like I was under a spell. But was felt my erengy being drained and used a similar term you use. I just thought of them as “Emotional Leeches”, like a parasite then feeds of your energy until you are empty, and then discard you to find a new host. Antother similarity lies in your refence to the Dark Souls. My career choice was driven by this as an Organisational Psychlogist to drive out the darkness (or as I refer to it…evil) from organisations and I’ve often sensed that some organisations needs an exorcism… But I never saw coming was to fall in love with a Dark Soul and it almost destroyed me. Luckily I think a Guardian Angle passed over my path and made me aware of the concept empath.. This is a major discovery for me which I pray and hope will help me fullfill my purpose in Life which I have only recently VERBALISED to someone, whois also an Empath and who for the first time in my life makes me feel I am completely understood..

    Reply

  21. Jes
    Dec 19, 2012 @ 17:47:37

    My mom is the spath and I’m the empath. I used to think I was crazy (because I acted crazy) but it was because I was mirroring her spath emotions. My husband of 20yrs is SCT so he’s VERY low emotions (thank GOD) and WONDERFUL to me. My mom, not so much but I’ve gotten out of her grip. My thing is how do I block other peoples emotions. Both my daughter and I are empaths and find it hard. Ive read meditation but my brain is on high speed constantly. Any sugg??

    Reply

  22. lorie
    Jan 03, 2013 @ 21:24:34

    Hi there,
    What an enlightening topic! I too am an empath who is attracted to psychopaths. I fell madly in love with one many years ago, not realizing he was a psychopath until he hurt me very deeply and was so cold about it. I eventually got over it and now I realize why the attraction was so intense. I could just relax in his arms and not worry about anything. Before I met this man, I didn’t know much about psychopaths. I didn’t believe that any person could have no heart whatsoever. Now I do. Some people are beyond reach and it’s kind of sad for them. They don’t get to experience things deeply as we do.
    A note to Lauren, who commented here a few months ago. Hope you are doing well. If he turned out to be what less than what you hoped, don’t beat yourself up. You deserve much better…

    Reply

  23. VAB
    Jan 21, 2013 @ 14:33:35

    YOUR BLOG ON EMPATH SPATH ATTRACTION IS 100% RIGHT ON TARGET.
    Thank you.

    Reply

  24. Jamie
    Jan 30, 2013 @ 13:57:13

    This is interesting. I will say that I don’t think sociopaths are “emotional vampires,” exactly. They don’t feed off emotions. They simply don’t have any other than boredom and excitement. They get excited be manipulating others. Unfortunately, empaths are sometimes easier to manipulate due to their being so affected by the emotions of others. I don’t dispute that there is a connection between empaths and sociopaths. They are both highly adept at reading people. It’s easier for sociopaths to make use of this ability since they aren’t burdened by also feeling what they read on others. It’s like sociopaths are watching a pool of electric eels from above, poking this one or that one to cause a desired effect. Empaths are in the pool with the eels, getting shocked all the time. It’s hard to stay focused in the middle of all that. I submit that empaths need to develop their skills. With effort and time, I believe empaths can learn to quickly pick out sociopaths and protect themselves. They are a fascinating group, but must be treated with caution. Remember, a sociopath would not hesitate to destroy your life as you know it if he or she believed it unlikely that they would suffer any consequences.

    Reply

  25. SpongegirlCS
    Feb 05, 2013 @ 15:13:26

    I always attracted sexual predators since I was a child. Does that count?

    Reply

  26. Kim
    Feb 07, 2013 @ 22:41:04

    People with Borderline Personality Disorder fit a lot of the criteria for sociopathy too. I find myself particularly attracted to these types or people because I either don’t sense any emotion or I sense SO MUCH emotion that I feel the need to guide/help them. I hate to say it but these type of people are really emotional vampires and empaths/intuitive people just have the most blood. When I find myself becoming overwhelmingly attracted to someone I have definitely questioned it, just for the sake of my own mental well being. They can be destructive to us and you know what, the world really needs our gifts. Great post.

    Reply

    • PrionIndigo
      Apr 22, 2014 @ 20:14:41

      No BPD and SPD are NOT th same thing or they’d have the same name!! Sociopaths lack emotions (mostly) and borderliners feel them too intensely.

      Reply

  27. Colleen
    Feb 22, 2013 @ 15:00:03

    After reading article and all of the comments seems to me this is just two sides of the same coin. You can be a caring sharing emapath or shut it all down and be a sociopath.

    Reply

  28. lorie
    Feb 26, 2013 @ 21:54:06

    I posted a message a while ago and wanted to respond to Colleen, who left a message here on Feb. 22. After reading your comment, I’m left wondering what exactly you mean. Do you believe sociopaths shut everything down by choice and become cold as a result? It’s true that sociopaths and empaths are opposites. However, I don’t believe either of them has a choice. When I dated a sociopath, I had no idea who he was. I thought he was a shy, funny and very exciting man. Now when I see him (we’re not involved, but I do meet him for coffee when he’s in town), I can see that he has absolutely no empathy or even awareness of others’ emotional states. Seeing him objectively, I understand that he will NEVER change. Who knows whether he was born this way or was traumatized as a child… regardless, he’s like a selfish child who never moved beyond a certain point of development. That said, I don’t think he purposely wants to harm anybody. He’s just incapable of understanding others and doesn’t really care if something he does makes them suffer. Some sociopaths, however, get a kick out of causing pain. Recently, I’ve discovered that a family member is also most likely a sociopath. This person has been cold to me my entire life and I’ve never understood why. This person has other traits associated with sociopaths. I will not confront this person, but will definitely keep my distance. My point is.. sociopaths are not the way they are by choice. Who would want this? A life without depth, without caring for others, without any compassion whatsoever? It is possible for an empath to be so hurt by others that he/she will just shut down and sever all ties with others. However, it would be impossible for this empath to be able to be as cruel as a sociopath without ever feeling guilty about it… The book “The Sociopath Next Door” is an eye-opener that all empaths should read…

    Reply

    • PrionIndigo
      Apr 22, 2014 @ 20:16:20

      You need to understand that psychopaths and sociopaths are NOT the same thing. Sociopaths to choose to evolve into sociopathy, whereas psychopaths do not choose to as they are born that way.

      Reply

  29. brokenbutterfly123
    Feb 27, 2013 @ 07:41:52

    I agree with Lorie – I don’t believe it is a choice. I think you are what you are. I don’t think even my B/S chooses to be what he is. That doesn’t change it though. He still just IS a B/S. I could never change to be what he is, my conscience would never let me. Nor would I want to. I do think they enjoy being what they are – I can site many examples of my B/S reveling in the destruction he caused. I think they know what they are doing and do it on purpose – they have no moral compass to tell them not to. And “supply” for them comes from either good or bad emotions – it makes no difference to them. Our emotions in fact are stronger when hurt or angry – a better feed for them.

    Reply

  30. Marina
    Feb 28, 2013 @ 19:04:37

    I stumbled upon your blog tonight & it has completely me blown me away!
    I very recently discovered a truth I had always subconsciously known- I am an empath!

    Since childhood I have always felt ‘different’ as I was TOO in touch with others pain & emotions in general & often felt over whelmed or exhausted when in sorrowful situations or when in the company of someone going through a traumatic event, regardless of whether they were emotionally close to me or not.
    Similarly I OVER delighted in the simple to budding of a flower, beginning near to the ocean or the happiness of others!

    I could never understand why random strangers felt the need to sit beside me on a bus & tell me their problems?! Or why I always picked up every illness I came in contact with!

    For as long as I can remember I have always tried to help others.
    I have been told various times that I should be a counsellor & have a ‘natural gift to help others’ yet i always resisted entering such a profession as I genuinely feared I would become completely drained & unwell due to the transfer of too many people’s negative emotions into me.

    Realising who & what I am has brought me huge relief & comfort & helped me to ground myself & put up the barriers Necessary to protect myself from physical & emotional drainage.
    I am now boundless with optimism about my gift & am excitedly exploring the positive uses of it for the greater good!

    Unfortunately This enlightenment came only after I was severely used & wounded by a sociopath who I had the misfortune to fall for.

    From very early into the relationship I felt that he was a broken soul & my natural instinct was to help him as I had others in the past.
    I excused his erractic & sometimes awful behaviour towards me as a backlash of his terrible childhood & naively believed all this man needed was a healing hand & love.

    He was extremely interested in my positivity & mediation practices & seemed to want to completely engulf both myself & my lifestyle in every possible way.
    The falling in love stage was the most beautiful, energising & extremely euphoric time of my life!!
    All cliches applied & I truly believed my sole purpose in life was to meet this man.

    Your description of peace in his arms resonates my experience completely. It was so addictive & Lying with him at night equalled complete tranquility for me.

    However, it wasn’t Long before his mask began to slip & by day i was racked with the deep seated knowledge that something was very wrong with him.
    . It was a constant roller coaster of neg & positive encounters- often within minutes of each other.
    I began to feel as if the happiness was being sucked from me even when things were fine between us.
    As he toyed with my emotions & insisted on delving deeper & deeper into my soul I felt helpless, hopeless & completely taken over.

    He repeatedly tried to convince me that I was not the good person I believed myself to be & exposed me to a lot of the darker things in life.
    I struggled daily with how someone so dark & negative could feel so good in my arms & began to question everything I believed in!
    My gut, heart & head were in constant turmoil & life with him truly began to feel like a battle of dark & light.

    I slowly began to lose sight of freedom & myself.
    My family & friends could see the awful change in me & repeatedly begged me to leave him but I genuinely lacked the strength.
    The scary pinnacle for me was not the games or violent outbursts…it was the day he told me he just wanted to BE me!

    I began searching for answers about my partners behaviour on the net & eventually discovered sociopath behaviour.
    He ticked EVERY one of the boxes!!
    Armed with the knowledge of what he really was I wept with relief that I wasn’t going insane in feeling he was sucking the happiness & life from me & after a long & traumatic battle I finally tore myself from him.

    Afterwards I found out about a number of women he had cheated on me with & began to hear some of the terrible twisted lies that he began saying about me.
    I felt desperate & lonely & for awhile I really believed a part of his dark soul had attached itself to mine. That was the weakest point of my life.

    That was eight months ago…& even though I have moved away from the area we lived in, for the first while I looked over my shoulder half expecting him to follow me & try & hurt me further.

    I questioned for so long why this had happened to me & through further research of sociopaths two wonderful truths were revealed to me….

    1) Our relationship was merely a common cat & mouse game played out by sociopaths & not the soul completing connection I originally believed it to be & feared losing!

    2) I am an empath! :-) no truth has ever felt so right to me.
    I may possibly have never fully understood or learned this truth if hadn’t been for this encounter.

    So now THANKS to a sociopath I am stronger, wiser & truly on the path I believe to be mine….
    So hey… maybe in the end good always does win out after all?! :-)

    Reply

    • another empath
      Mar 31, 2013 @ 17:37:16

      Hi Marina,

      Your story truly resonated with me and I had such a similar experience… and realization of my empathic abilities. Were you able to detach from him (as you said a part of his dark soul attached to yours)… that is how I feel and even thought I am SO happy to have the person out of my life and my life has gotten more positive, I still miss him.. its sick!

      Anyone have any advice for learning to block the extra stuff out as an empath? I am constantly overwhelmed and being around people is draining.. i need to learn to better keep in tune with myself (as I sometimes can’t even see the line between my feelings and someone elses)

      Reply

      • Marina
        Apr 01, 2013 @ 06:00:43

        Hi Another Empath,
        Yes I did manage to fully detach from him but only by blocking all contact completly with him…but the hardest part of that detachment came AFTER I was physically rid of him.
        For a few months I retreated into an inner battle of anger vs trying to let go. I really felt like I was broken inside after the trauma of life with him.

        I moved to another city & even though we didn’t have any direct contact, I discovered through mutual friends after a few months that he had actually followed me there!!!
        It really freaked me out…I won’t lie… I almost broke at one stage & went back to him because I felt he was never going to let me go.

        I felt strangely/awfully connected to him still & i was constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of him.

        I was battling so hard with myself & Torturing myself by constantly going over in my head the things he had done to me or might do to me in the future.
        I had so many questions….why & how had this happened to me?? How could a fellow human being be so sadistic?

        I was genuinely shocked to my core as to how I could have allowed myself to be fooled & then abused for so long & I was filled with an angry ball of rage & despair that threatened to engulf me!

        I think this anger/fear of him was what kept me connected to him.
        Even though we were no longer together I was still remaining loyal to him by keepin his Sociopathic secret from my friends & family, the reason being I was so ashamed by the hoodwinking!

        Thankfully I finally broke my silent inner battle by coming out and confessing to my friends & family EVERYTHING that he was & the things he had done.
        Through that and visiting support sites online I found comfort that I wasn’t alone in my nightmare.

        People were horrified by the abuse & found it hard to get their heads around the BS behaviour.

        I didn’t stop there with my confessions of truth because I knew unless I scared him away he’s never leave me in peace.
        I contacted him via email & told him that I had been to the police & told them of my abuse & fears of further abuse/violence from him.
        I also told him that everyone I held dear now knew of what he really was & the things he had done/ was capable of doing.
        It was a big risk but I couldn’t continue a life with him lurking in the shadows.
        I think for him seeing his carefully constructed mask crash down around him made him run scared. He upped & moved again to another city as soon as he realised his false persona/life was reduced to rubble.

        The experience will take a long time for me to fully heal from but I am getting stronger & healthier every day. I see light & love again where once there was only darkness.
        I feel NO connection to this man at all anymore & genuinely wish I had never met him.
        I’m sure in time when you have healed ‘Another Empath’, you too will realise the love you experinced was merely an imaginary war tactic employed by your Bs to control/engulf you.

        Sociopathy is something that is NOT talked about enough. People need to be educated about the dangers of crossing paths with these sinister souls.

        For me…To love a Sociopathis to be seduced by a devil!!

  31. Angela
    Mar 04, 2013 @ 08:37:00

    Seven going on Eight years in a relationship with someone I believe to be a sociopath. I met him at 19, when I was quite naïve and just moved from a small town to a big city. Truth is, being very intuitive, observant, etc… I was drawn to him immediately because he was a mystery. Still to this day I cannot get any true emotion from him. I thought initially that he was just really pathetic at opening up and that’s why I felt annoyed the first time he “cried”. Only now I know he was only putting on a show to give me what I wanted. Some sort of inclination that he cared. I wish they taught behavioral disorders in school. I have now wasted years of my life with an abusive, manipulative person who apparently doesn’t feel anything for anyone but themselves. A concept I still cannot grasp!

    Reply

  32. lorie
    Mar 08, 2013 @ 23:28:29

    Angela,
    You have to find a way out of this relationship for your own sanity. He won’t change. He will just hurt you more. You don’t need to tell him why.. just go. Or tell him you have to deal with a personal problem. If he’s not on the defensive, it’s better for all. Later, you will see him very differently. You will not love him anymore. When I look at the sociopath I was madly in love with before, I only feel pity now. I don’t want revenge. But I’ll never give him my heart again. It’s very easy to fall for such people because mystery is exciting. I cannot grasp this concept (sociopathy) either but it’s real. Sad but true. Wish you good things…

    Reply

    • Marissa
      May 28, 2013 @ 17:13:49

      Hi! First off, thank you so much for the information provided on empathy. By the way: What is a good career for an empath? What jobs do you guys perform? Everything feels so emotional yet not enough?

      Reply

  33. bee
    Mar 20, 2013 @ 16:43:06

    I really love this post; illuminating. Thank you for being who you are and sharing!

    Reply

  34. Sue
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 08:09:29

    Wow! Absolutely amazing and on target for me… Found this accidently while looking for information on my own empathic behavior. 3 yr relationship with Narcissist nearly sent me into relapse ( I am addict -another empathic trait- with many years of recovery) and it’s taken me nearly a yr to work thru the emotional damage. Especially like the line about feeling “safe in his arms” but unable to sleep well… EXACTLY RIGHT !! Thank you so much for the enlightenment and release of one more behavior in dealing with him. I understand that ‘closure’ will not be easy but one more step in the right direction for me. I miss what I thought was real and now know was all lies, but will never go back. Thank you again

    Reply

  35. babbyla
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 11:09:01

    I agree with you. It explains why I have been attracted to emotionally blank men and why I had stalkers (yes- multiple) despite being shy and reserved. I am looking for ways to protect myself now because the constant bombardment of peoples pain is causing me terrible physical pain and is disabling.

    Reply

  36. Brea
    Apr 28, 2013 @ 16:41:58

    I tend to be some what empathic i have suprised myself w some stuff. I had been with what i would say is a socio. For three years have to kids with him. I can say i can agree w both aspects of the attraction. light wants to conquer dark yet dark wants to smother light… i can also see the side were the lack of emotion us nice i tend to feel smothered quickly i love ppl to love everyone and they see that take advatage and see that and start to be clingy i get wore out.. ppl feel comfortable around me im uber

    Reply

    • Brea
      Apr 28, 2013 @ 16:52:08

      My phone cut off the comment but basically it was heart breaking and i still love him so much he is trying to win me back i still im trying to keep my boundarys firm but i know what u mean about comfort when the hold not being overwelmed w emotion

      Reply

  37. Bex
    Apr 28, 2013 @ 17:57:51

    Fantastic post. You show such good insight on this, and it has made so much sense to me and helped a lot. Thank You.

    Can’t believe even the ‘cuddling’ aspect was mentioned. I spent some of the happiest times of my life lying in my exes arms even thought I was never much of a ‘cuddler’ before. Never had I felt so loved, protected, safe and ‘at one’ with someone as I did cuddled up to him. And I’m not sure whether I’m pleased to be able to make sense of things, or upset to know even that was just an illusion too.

    I find grieving what was essentially I now know was an illusion both comforting (it wasn’t all me) and upsetting (the sheer deception of it all).

    Peace and hugs to all going through a similar thing x

    Reply

  38. Mary
    May 27, 2013 @ 09:12:36

    I think you’re completely onto something. The thing that was, and still remains, most difficult for me to let go is being in those arms. He was an absolute shelter from the storm. After reading this I can see how he was a respite from the never ending stream of emotions we are subject to all day every day. With him I never had to worry about that.

    Reply

  39. Allison
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 11:30:52

    This has been a problem my entire 56 year old life. I have found myself obsessed with these people, trying to figure out how they work. You have given me the most profound insight imaginable. This is the answer to all my questions on different levels of relationships with men and women, that had no closure to date, always leaving me completly befuddled. As I meet these people without emotion and add to my collection of those who astound me, there was this simple explanation. All the self-help books and endless need to understand, here you are with the cure to my immense quandary. Thank you!

    Reply

  40. Aquarian Empath
    Jul 11, 2013 @ 04:02:18

    Thank you for this enlightening post. It has really hit home and brought an awareness I had never considered. I hope you keep writing. There are so many of us floundering and confused out there!

    Reply

  41. Filip
    Jul 24, 2013 @ 07:38:38

    Thank you so much for this, I finally understand what happens to me all my life! Makes so much sense now. How do you protect yourself though?

    Reply

  42. nikolas
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 21:41:08

    you are mostly incorrect from what I understand about empaths, a TRUE empath, will connect with a psychopath, narcissist, or sociopath and feel his twisted emotions and run away from them in the first few minutes, a codependent is what most self described empaths are. they had a parent who was like the person they chose to be with. they are trying to fix the problem with their parent thru a surrogate, the psychopath. if you choose to be with a psychopath, narcissist, or sociopath, I would look deeply into my past with my family. it all usually stems from your childhood. I would also do a lot of praying to god for guidance! I went from being somewhat of a narcissist, with tons of walls up, to being an empath. very tough transition. I started to feel the twisted emotions of everyone around me. it was terrible. if someone was thinking about me, I would feel all their twisted emotions. all my old friends were very dysfunctional, I had to get rid of all of them. I just wish I could get rid of my family. I couldn’t, so I went after them with a vengeance. I put up with none of the twisted crap, I confronted, threatened, scared the crap out of them, it seems the only thing a psychopath understands is absolute fear!!! they really are scared little children inside. you have to break them down, you really have to get them on their knees, scare the absolute crap out of them. but when you are not scaring the crap out of them, ignore them. that drives them crazy. you also have to separate them from their supply. the hardest part, I have found. because a dysfunctional family will fight to hold onto the dysfunction, it is their comfort zone!!! this takes years and lots of dedication and is very stressful. not an easy task, I don’t recommend it.

    Reply

  43. Winkie
    Aug 20, 2013 @ 21:35:23

    Thank You so much for sharing. This is exactly what I needed to read. It is so true for me and why they initially feel so safe…I am on the journey to heal me so that my last spath is my final spath! Thank You!

    Reply

  44. Rachelpenina Whitmore-Bard
    Aug 31, 2013 @ 02:32:16

    Book that may be of interest to some of you looking for protection from future entanglements with sociopaths: “Psychic Self-Defense” by Dion Fortune.

    Reply

  45. Riah
    Sep 10, 2013 @ 22:18:40

    Thank you so much for this article. It has been two weeks since I found out he was a sociopath. Your writing makes so much sense. I have always been called “too sensitive” by family but with the outside world, I think I may have trained myself not to show my emotions. I have always picked up on things, cues, mannerisms, energy, gestures, it is always something from people that it seemed so very obvious to me and I always wondered why it did not seem so to others. Jeez, so I guess then I am an empath and I am just finding out.

    I remember once walking by this guy (and I was in great spirits) and the moment I walked by him, my thoughts and my energy became grey and black. My enthusiasm had dissipated, took me a while to get over it (a few days I think). But I have been guarded ever since, operating more at an instinctual level. I can feel the disgust or hatred when someone is saying something, so it is the emotion that comes my way that I have found myself reacting to more than the words themselves.

    So I really would love to hear from you on how to protect and manage myself? I pick up on so many things that I of late I find it hitting me like a tidal wave so how do I protect myself from all of this. Look forward to hearing from you all.

    Reply

  46. Mk
    Sep 27, 2013 @ 05:31:33

    this might sound scary but when i was with my x S/path he used to lay next to me and i would feel him breathing at the same time as me as in inhaling and exhaling at the same time as me. now that i know hes a s/path i still dont know what that means

    Reply

  47. Mk
    Sep 27, 2013 @ 05:32:26

    when we used to fall asleep next to each other

    Reply

  48. claire
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:58:31

    Has anyone ever thought that maybe psychopaths and empaths are the flip sides of the same coin?? Think about it for a moment. They have some similarities.
    The psychopath is an empty vessel incapable of holding feelings. They feel empty all the time and that is why they are always plotting something or being around others in order to suck off their energy in order to avoid feeling this dreadful dark emptiness.

    The empath (unaware ones mostly), although overflowing with OTHER people’s emotions, have rarely felt their OWN emotions. Most grew up in dysfunctional homes and many have had psycho/socio parents.
    The empath may actually feel empty inside when not around other people and feeling OTHER people’s emotions. The empath on many levels is always living through other people as well.
    The UNTRAINED and UNAWARE empath is codependent because he/she believes that he/she has to somehow “fix” the other person in order for the empath to find relief. The other option is to run away. But the untrained empath is too empathic to run.

    The empath has to finally cut the emotional cords to all the emotional vampires who are sucking off him/her and finally find his/her ownself and learn to be filled up from within with positive energy of their own and learn to have appropriate boundaries, self care and stop the caretaking. The empath may also have childhood trauma and issues to work through as well.
    Finally taking responsibility for your OWN feelings is the ultimate task for the empath. And what a hard task this is–because you have to sort through a lifetime of feelings and wondering what is you and what is not you.
    So many empaths are not even aware that they are empaths.

    A trained and aware empath is a powerful being who can learn to be in control and can actually shift the emotions of others around them and stop being tossed around by other people’s emotions.
    A trained and aware empath can see a psycho/socio a mile away and will keep their distance. An untrained and unaware empath will gravitate towards the psychopath bc they “seem” safe because there is not a barrage of emotions coming off this person. But in due time, the psycho/socio will suck the life blood out of the empath and laugh all the way because the empath was such an easy and willing victim. It’s like a cat chasing a mouse and the mouse just said, “I will let you eat me because I FEEL how hungry you are and it feels so horrible and I will save you.”

    Reply

  49. Christine
    Oct 27, 2013 @ 19:40:01

    I was abused by an online narcissist friend for two years. I had to end the friendship, because I could not take it anymore and it was a friend of mine who let me know what she was. It is almost 2 years now that I ended the friendship and I am still recovering from it. It was the most painfullest thing I ever experienced in my life. Another friend gave me a link to a page on facebook about narcissists and it has helped me a lot getting thru it. I have read everything there is on narcs and sociopaths and I asked myself what was it about me that made me a victim? That was when I came across something regarding empaths and narcs. I started reading everything about HSP and empaths and noticed I have all the traits. I had a feeling I was an empath, but I needed confirmation and I got my confirmation from a friend who is also an empath. I could feel the narcs anger and rage and I was acting as if it were my own. It was a horrible experience.. I had a black cloud over me from her she was pure evil and I could feel it, but didn’t understand everything at the time.. it took two months to get rid of her black cloud once I got rid of her… somehow we were connected deeply, because even tho online I can sense her sensing when I was going thru anxiety, because of the things she was doing to me.. and that she was enjoying it. She has been stalking me online ever since and about a year and a half later I felt the disconnect between us it was weird. It was somehow severed. I have learned a lot in the past few years to say the least.. Now I am trying to find out about being an empath and what is next.. wishing everyone the best on their journey!

    Reply

  50. sav
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 17:50:47

    Makes SO much sense. For me it’s often with “emotionally unavailable” men (like my dad, a half narcissist. Not full blown). My last relationship was comforting in that way, his emotions weren’t intrusive upon mine whatsoever, because they were shut down. Unless he got suddenly angry or cruel. His angry reactions to inanimate objects (and insensitivity to our cat) always made me feel horrible and reactive, though I was just being protective. And yes I LOVED cuddling, but couldn’t sleep in his arms well. Weird. It’s uncomfortable seeing just how much he was in a sociopathic zone. Could be very kind and caring and responsible, friendly, able to exude warmth around others, normal enough guy. Very stable. But super emotionally distant on the inside, which I don’t think many people knew. I could never ‘feel’ him. At all. It was so weird the first few times I was with him. Relieving, that he had few outward emotions, but disturbing as well that I couldn’t feel or glean anything (as usually I feel others’ inners and energies quite distinctly over a few meetings). I still don’t think he’s a horrible guy. He wasn’t. I knew why he was attracted to me (I had all the feelings he was keeping at bay). But I continuously felt unable to be myself. Just out of the relationship, I said, “wow, where have I been the last few years??”. I had felt smothered all the same, despite the unintrusiveness.

    Not ironically, the only person who got emotional ‘stuff’ and confessions out of him was a huge narcissist/sociopath (she must have been an authentic one to be able to do it). Though later on I believe he found out what she was like, and she was even too SPN for him. There are always levels of SPN traits. But it always struck me as rather apt, that it happened to him with her. It’s happened to me before (a Narcissist extracting emotional information from me that I’d never told to anyone before).

    It’s eerie how you can’t feel or see anything from them. The narcissist who extracted info/emotion from me was scary. Intensely magnetic. Nearly got dragged in, but thankfully he lived far away from me and I stopped talking to him simply for how awful he made me feel when we interacted alone. Took advantage of those emotions first thing. The ones that are tricky for me are the hidden SPNs, or the ‘milder’ ones. The ones who look more benign. They seem such a relief. And you keep going to them, for that relief/rest, despite having a nagging feeling that you probably shouldn’t.

    And I just met yet another potential fairly benign seeming S/P/N. Though he has a great deal of energy. And intense eye-contact. But I can’t feel anything much inside him, and am always rather exhausted after hanging out with him, yet feel stupidly energized and engaged when with him. I’m remaining highly cautious.

    Thank you for your insights. x

    Reply

  51. Rustic
    Nov 07, 2013 @ 13:49:10

    Rustic. Wow! I identify with many things you say! Strangely, more of how you express yourself. I also have a sensitivity to a misalignment in the cosmos stemming from childhood…. It is interesting to see those with, I want to say an incomplete emotional spectrum, generally excell to a position of success in their respective society. They are viewed as successful. When you and I and others with a full spectrum can see that he/she is only half there. Successful in a business, career and the perception of greatness in others eyes. We all know this person, focused and makes capital for themselves, charismatic and impossible, competitive as hell and never wrong. Promoting cars and money, trips, clothes and financial freedom. The closer circle around them such as family, employees and coworkers will eventually sense their worth. They are pretty much objects in the pile of fine furs and bank statements in the trunk of the Bentley. All of these objects are replaceable, besides the used people of course. These people are not replaceable to their families. They are surviving this strange planet too..(not implying all with the material and monetary comforts as a whole). Just the ones with the new toy or gadget every 3 days that impresses his peers, which has never produced a close friend.

    I agree with your thought. It has me digging a little deeper. For one, I will not likely find security in another mans arms. From my eyes, and pun intended, most antisocial women are well kept and quite attractive and charming. Okay, a strong provider where you feel comfort in the arms of. I would embrace an attractive and exceptionally charming woman. A primal balance with strong offspring. Independence that will not cludder our insight for them…….. Til the change. Arriving is an archetype of our Dad or Mom or identified link. Our mate has now exposed the ego behind the mask. I feel that we also want to show them why their lives of items leaves them so unfulfilled. A life chasing that emptyness in their bodies. Endless partners, sex, notoriety, money and mansion. That stuff is all stuff! If you and I really wanted those items, they are all around us for the acquiring. But, they can never fill or quench the absent nurtured love, the tender validation or secure innocent play that cultivates love and empathy.(among other emotional surpressants). As an adult, those emotions never grew from 9 years old. We become like his forgotten toy from last week. Discarded in the nested loop… I think consciously or not, we see them preoccupied too much with replaceable luxuries. Blame on the easily remedied. Labels on normal people for empowerment. Accountability would mean fault.. I just feel we want to give them this gift. The missing element that we see or sense missing in them…. like, Hey look I can fill this void with love, which lasts for a long time compared to forcing your grief out of others by demeaning them in your controlling way for a short lived preception of power.

    I feel its a balance we are searching for. We are dealing with very capable people. I think your point is a big piece in my picture. They do not leave us flooded. They give us comfort of focusing on a meaningful and life changing gift to help them be whole…. Sadly we fail!!!

    That provokes a new thought of balance ~ The Duality of Man/Woman
    Maybe it is us that is too civil? We are animals after all!
    Maybe we have become too refined! We could be better off still clubbing each other in the head! …. :) Thanks
    ,

    Reply

  52. Allison
    Nov 15, 2013 @ 02:07:48

    This makes so much sense. My ex-boyfriend of two years always fascinated me because I could never pick anything up from him! I’m just recently learning about/reading about sociopathy and he seems to fit the bill. I think you’re right on here.

    Reply

  53. richard
    Nov 23, 2013 @ 14:33:16

    While reading (The moth and the flame)ther’s something I felt inside of me,I can’t tell if its gladness or sadness,what I can say is tears flows from my eyes.I know how you guys felt because I’m also a victim of someone who in my heart and mind really fits the traits and charateristic of a COVERT NARCISSIST,its sad that it took me 20+yrs before i discover that those kind of (human?) being really exist.I likenedll myself to a Badly Wounded warrior (alone and crazy/N) whose only weapon is being a soon to be a skilled Empath.

    Reply

  54. jooliianne
    Dec 03, 2013 @ 10:36:26

    Thank you for this. I have just discovered I was in a relationship with a pyschopath. Although I knew I could feel other peoples feelings, I had never labeled myself as an empath. I also knew I could not feel anything from him, so much so I never felt emotionally connected to him, this didnt bother me as it meant on the frequent splits due to infidelity I wasnt emotionally damaged by his absence. I thought he was an amazing person, fun to be with, intelligent, all the usual stuff of making me feel wanted. I’m guessing that although I didnt know what I was sensing, I was sensing the lack of ‘something’ inside and it protected me?
    Prior to the Empath/Pysch discovery I couldn’t understand why I had no feelings for him, which is very unusual for me. I think this bit now makes sense, but there is still much I dont understand. I have often wondered if I feed on emotion because I seem to always be surrounded by them, but I’m definitley not a Psych, so I guess and empath explains it. I am now wondering how close are empaths and Pysch? I want to feel ok about who I am, but I need to understand more
    Any recommended reading appreciated

    Reply

  55. anewday
    Dec 09, 2013 @ 16:29:32

    Interesting post :) I too felt ‘almost’ calm in the narc’s presence, a strange calm though. I wouldn’t describe it as peaceful. I am guessing it felt calm because of the lack of true emotions being displayed. Even when there were tears and agnst, I rarely felt stirred by them – I am thinking that they were false emotions and just manipulative tools being employed. But what I caught my attention the most was NOT being able to rest, nap or sleep next to the narc – I never could. Somehow I always felt strangely alert when the narc was sleeping. Perhaps intuitive on my behalf, or perhaps as an empath I was experiencing the turbulence of the narc’s unconscious state? Either way, it is a massive red flag for me now.

    Reply

  56. Shantelle
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 05:02:20

    The ex spath’s arms were like an dark, empty shell I could sink into; albeit, I never could sleep or truly relax in his presence. I didn’t sense the very darkness at his core; I did, however, feel his early on betrayal from half-way across the world. A betrayal he would use to gut me repeatedly for twelve subsequent years with the second, third, and so forth intensifying with insidiously souless ill-intent, always at important junctures in my life.

    During one of his abandonments I did sense an unexplained evil presence while left behind in his apartment. After that is when I began trying to leave him and when that harassing evil presence followed me to each place I procured. The fear it invoked was so terrifying I would be forced to call him and ask him to lay with me.

    Paralyzingly real nightmares were also the norm after that, akin only to some I had around the first time I met him. The evil presence, nightmares, and fear have left me for the most part, and only recently.

    Reply

  57. Sally
    Dec 16, 2013 @ 08:31:38

    I can tell you what I’ve learned from living with a narcissistic psychopath for 24 years. They want to be hurt and at the same time deeply loved. I was perfect apart from I wouldn’t let him watch me have sex with other men. So he left me for a whore who also refused and now he dates her and a mum of two. The whore was also a narcissist and gave me death threats despite me warning her kindly about him.
    I told him he wants a perfect angel that he can control like a puppet and make her do demeaning awful things which is against the whole nature of an angel so cannot exist. The whore told him he wanted a dirty woman that sleeps around that he can control and make into a perfect good housewife which she says is against her very being.
    So the good versus evil thing is there. They basically want to control women and think we are like them but we are not. Our feelings mean we cannot compartmentalise or switch off our emotions. It fascinates them because they can’t empathise they won’t take no for an answer and can’t understand the problem . If they can be a good and bad person why can’t we. Yet the good in them is fake. Which is why the whore couldn’t keep the facade up of being a good girl and after he moved her in she attacked him for cheating.
    They cannot keep a mask on so why do they think we can? Because they can’t empathise which makes them come across as stupid in a way since it’s so obvious to anyone and with their logical brain how can they not understand ?
    Once again I am the angel he wants to control and what scares me most is that although I am divorcing him and he is dating multiple women he won’t let me go and uses kids as an excuse to see me. He has supervised access. As I’ve read many times a psychopath is one step away from being a murderer. What really scares me is that he hates women even though he needs them and he hangs around with escorts and there are psychopaths that kill prostitutes so just the fact that he is with one is scary. Also I have gone on three dates since the seperation and all were psychopaths so I ended it. Bluntly. And even though I only had coffee all three still text me once a month. And get no response. Because once you date them they think they own you forever. That is why I am not even agreeing to meet up until I am sure it’s not a psychopath. I am an empath with animals and people and the silence in the arms feels good. But the tension build up they don’t hide you will feel that and it makes your heart race. You know there will be violence. Don’t try to calm them down don’t walk on eggshells. Leave! Just leave! Say nothing. Do it when they are out.

    Reply

  58. Peach
    Jan 07, 2014 @ 07:10:06

    I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand both myself, and those around me. This article has instantly changed my life for the better. I hope one day I’m able to repay or pass forward the favour <3

    Reply

  59. Deborah Lawson
    Mar 15, 2014 @ 23:18:44

    I think I am an empath and just recently, going on six weeks, ended my relationship with s/p/n. I say my relationship as I seemed to be the only one in it.
    I had never heard of empaths until this past week. But after your sharing of your thoughts and epiphany it resonates with me. Especially how they have no emotions and empaths have an overabundance. The guy that I was involved with played on mine. He thought me very kind and expressed how other women would not have given him the second, third … chances I did. He knew exactly how to exploit my emotions and guilt trip me when I would put up my boundaries.I felt like I was in a trance during our conversations and mesmerized by his choice of words when listening to him. He did the majority of the talking. The conversation on the phone would end, and I would feel very contented as well as “high.” I was keenly aware of the effect he had on me. But in a matter of hours, I would start to come “down” and feel anxious and unsure of myself and want/need to experience the euphoria once again.

    Unfortunately, we live half way around the world from each other so it was easier said than done.
    I never allowed his unacceptable behaviour and called him on it each and every time. We never yelled or resorted to name calling which I am very grateful for. But what didnt escape me was the lack of any emotion surrounding his inconsiderateness, his being called on his inability to keep his promises after making them to me in order to achieve his agenda through me, blatant lying about now I believe most everything. His manipulation has been honed to an art skill, he would stoop to any level to achieve his goal. Crocodile tears,which Im embarrassed to admit I
    fell for. Exploiting family members, an old childhood friend ad infinitum. All to get from me what he wanted. Abandoning me when I travelled to Istanbul to spend a week with him. He created so much crazy making I was left with my head spinning and feeling sorry for him. He made it out that men were out to hurt him and he feigned being afraid for his very existence. The con was in effect from before I even arrived. He showed up an hour late so after being up for most probably thirty five hours and being jet lagged… I arrive expecting to see him in the arrival area but he was nowhere to be found. When I phoned his cell phone of course he had excuses galore. I was so disappointed and to add insult to injury he hadnt showered, shaved(he needs to shave twice a day)
    brushed his teeth nor

    Reply

  60. Sara
    Mar 20, 2014 @ 23:02:22

    This CLARIFIED a big mystery for me in my life!!!!!!!!! Thank You!!!!!!!! God Bless!

    Reply

  61. Chelsea
    Mar 24, 2014 @ 22:40:51

    Oh my god, I’m so happy I found this! Can you be a mix between a psychopath and an empath. I don’t even know if that is possible. But I usually feel little to no emotion and most of the time my reactions to things are practiced. But a lot of times when I’m around other people I feel overwhelmed, like I get this feeling in my chest that’s really intense. I also get it when I see people suffering and it makes me so uncomfortable and nauseous. But even though it makes me uncomfortable I’m so happy that it happens to me because I know I’ll never be the next Dahmer.

    Reply

  62. Kate Love
    Mar 31, 2014 @ 06:35:10

    ” they had no real emotions for us to pick up on. ”

    I felt a connection to Truth when I read this!

    I can’t say mine was my shelter in the storm as I recall always being on alert with him even while being wooed in an trapped. I didn’t understand back then that being on alert like that comes from Spirit and I need to listen. I’ve had a more recent opportunity to (re)learn and remember to always listen to that inner voice of Truth.

    I’m glad we both got out!

    Reply

  63. anymous
    Apr 05, 2014 @ 16:47:08

    It makes since to me I come from a bit of gypsy roots and feel everything it’s tiresome. my socio is comforting in one way I didn’t feel overwhelmed the only thing is I knew is when he lied alot I felt knew it. It hurt alot. So the pain overcame the comfort. There still that draw I live being around him. He is a mystery to me. Like on the movie where that t wiggling vampire Edward couldn’t read bella s thoughts it was very alluring to him.. comforting in a way.

    Reply

  64. Tonya
    Apr 23, 2014 @ 03:02:48

    Ok….here goes!!!!! I awoke this morning with a great epiphany about my ex sociopathic personality boyfriend. Ok first of all…we must all remember that people that display these traits and act like this toward feeling human beings are indeed VERY MISERABLE people on the inside. They are comparable to a dead battery with no life. Most of them are addicted to pornography and have strange obsessions with strange things…and act out on these things. It is because they have a deep void inside their soul that they must fill with thrill seeking. That is why there is no substance to them….they get bored easily because there is no real substance to them. Indeed if a sociopath or someone with these traits is attracted to you its actually a compliment….WHY ???? Because it means that you have something great inside you that they want badly but do not possess. Which is why they want to possess you! They think if they can get someone like you…..they will be fulfilled only to realize aftyer a little while that it doesnt happen that way…..so they go into denial and search out the next person to save them……because really thats what they are seeking…..someone to save them…..and they get angry when possessing you doesnt save them…..then they turn on you and take it out on you….its more about them than you…..they are deficient….but also in alot of DENIAL……so they drop you and seek out a new savior and that doesnt work…and the cycle starts all over again…..I believe that they are severly out of touch with reality…..so much so that they are delusional and keep trying to find a savior….I dont believe they are evil….or intentially start out wanting to kill your soul….i think that it is the result because they are angry…frustrated….selfish….lonely…devoid of life….devoid of substance….miserable folks…..amd misery loves company….and somewhere inside them they do want to be loved…….but they are seeking it their own way and the wrong way…..i dont believe they check back in occationally on their ex failed saviors to torture or torment them…..i believe they just want to feel that the person still loves them and wants them because it feeds something inside them temporarily that needs satisfing…..Even though they do hurt their exs with cold behavior and silence and no answers…….the truth is they dont really have a clue why they do what they do…..because if they did they woiuld have an insight into their condition…..but that takes introspective……at the least they are highly misunderstood even by their own self….which is deficient…..they cant give you answers that you seek because they do not have the answers and they know it….plus they also dont want to burn the bridge……but this doesnt mean they are not dangerous!!!!! Because we all know they are…….but it does help to understand why they behave like they do and to know that the pain they are trying to inflict on you is not because they are evil or trying to be cruel….even though that is the outcome……they are in denial and lack introspective……if they cant understand their destructive patterns……they cant possibly tell you….they are at best…..MISUNDERSTOOD! Again that does not mean they are not dangerous…..it means they are devoid and they are spreading their misery not on purpose but as a result of their deficiencies…….its just the inevitable result of the deficiencies which they have absolutly no conscious clue about…..they are just impulsively acting out what they themselves cannot control or understand…..so they are just as cluless about themselves as you are…. its like a toddler who hasnt developed the language skills to tell you what they want….and so they act out in horrible self defeating ways and actually prolong or make impossible getting what they want….we see the behavior but not the reasons and just like a toddler they dont know how to communicate it to us. They are not little devils….they may act like it….but they are seekers who never get filled because they are trying to fill a void the wrong way……they are desperate at best……they are so preoccupied with their own needy behavior and filling the void that they essentially become slaves to the hunt…..and they cant consider others feelings because they are to consumed with the seeking to stop running through the forest and see the trees…..they are on a mission……..mission impossible!!!!!! Its kinda comparible to the GRENCH who stole christmas…….he stole others becayuse he himself could not identify and have one. Because in his childhood he was always different and kids knew that and so did everyone else including the grench…….so what did he do……he stole others christmas out of envy……anger…….lonliness…….resentment……..delusion……need to be accepted and loved………he was essentially bitter by his life up until now….and very isolated on the inside and alone and MISUNDERSTOOD>>>>>> see at the end of the movie it was realized by the grench and all those involved he was MISUNDERSTOOD………we only see the results…..i hope my ramblings can help someone else out there let go and get some peace from a very at best bizarre and quite perplexing individual and situation……Thanks for reading…..goodbye :)

    Reply

  65. ben
    May 21, 2014 @ 19:18:24

    For all the people on this board, please do your research on why people with borderline pesonality disorder or what you may be interpreting as ‘empathic’ are attracted to narcisstic types who are incapable of true intimacy. A real eye opener for me.

    Reply

  66. Mona Anvari
    May 30, 2014 @ 04:51:44

    wow!!! never thought of it that way :-/

    Reply

  67. Selina
    Jun 09, 2014 @ 22:58:29

    Tonya.. You forgot the part about the Grinch manipulating all the little Whos so he could get a free meal, gifts and lots of adoration. Compassion is a good thing but the last thing anyone should do is pity a sociopath/psychopath. The only things these people crave are control and excitement. They are selfish to the core and they cannot change EVER. They may feel there’s something missing in their lives, and we hsp’s/empaths would agree with that because there is indeed so much missing from their lives… particularly MEANING. That said, the last thing any person should do is pity them. They ARE dangerous because if they don’t commit crimes against others, they will seek to destroy their souls. To all you lovely HSP’s/EMPATHS out there, protect yourselves. Sociopaths/psychopaths are out there and there are many of them (1 to 4 percent of the population). They can be male/female, young/old, wealthy/poor, highly educated/non-educated, ugly/attractive, doctors, teachers, CEO’s, parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc. Trust your instincts. Read the book “The Sociopath Next Door” and other books. It’s a sad thing that there are such dark souls out there, but fortunately, there are more of us. And despite the fact that many of us have fallen victim to one of them, the truth is, with our strong intuition, we can easily spot them if we are aware that they actually exist. Be well :)

    Reply

  68. Trackback: The attraction between Empaths and Sociopaths/Narcisissts/Psychopaths | kmushbeauty

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